Towards the end of February my wife asked a very interesting question: “are you happy?” While you may be wondering why such a question would be asked, I will try to explain.
During the pandemic, our family experienced multiple challenges that impacted our family in multiple ways. At the beginning of the pandemic, virtual school for our youngest daughter was a disaster. My wife and I began searching for schools that provided face-to-face classes. We were willing to go as far as 20 miles away. We were desperate for her. Our older daughter thrived with the virtual classes since she had an IEP that provided more support for her needs.
Then my wife’s uncle passed during the first year of the pandemic, not due to the pandemic itself, but due to other medical reasons. This was the first funeral my daughters have ever attended and I think it had some impact to our youngest daughter. Our older daughter has special needs and it takes her more time to process events in general. I don’t think she has still processed this event to this day.
The next summer my mother passed, once again not due to the pandemic itself, but to other medical conditions. To attend her funeral, we had to travel across the country to California from northern Virginia. This was a long journey for the family. We did connect with a family friend in LA before heading inland to Bakersfield where my mom lived with her 5th husband. The quantity of husbands my mom had will come into play as I write more about my younger years and my teenage years.
After my mom’s funeral my daughter experienced a seizure because we had missed several of her seizure medication doses. So much was happening during that day of the funeral and that night, well, we just missed them. She recovered after a couple of hours and we headed back to LA to the hotel. Our flight back to Virginia was the next morning. My mom’s passing and my wife’s uncle’s passing I think had a big impact on our younger daughter.
As the pandemic began to wind down our youngest daughter began to show signs of anxiety, and as time passed this anxiety became more intense. We began therapy to help her and to help inform us as parents on how to deal with anxiety and its effects on young kids. This therapy effort started in late spring about seven months before my major medical event. I think her being in therapy well before my event help her get past what had happened to me. At this same time my wife and I were also experiencing the impact of the pandemic, not health wise, but more about disconnection with emotional feelings and physical contact. We were struggling.
Now, returning back to the question: “are you happy?”, my simple response was “no”. I had felt this way for a very long time and had felt alone, stressed, and worried before my event. I often wondered if these feelings contributed to my heart attack. There was no family history with cardiac disease. We had a brief discussion regarding how we felt and issues facing us. The next evening, we returned to the conversation. After this additional conversation we gave each other a hug and she went off to get our younger daughter settled down for bed.
At this moment I realized that my recovery would now be solitary. There would be no emotional support. There would be no one cheering for me to succeed. I knew that I was now alone in my recovery journey. I felt numbness and nothingness. I realized that I would be continuing my recovery with a new challenge that I would need to overcome. Knowing that what had just happened most likely set into motion a need for a new beginning in my life that I was honestly not prepared for.
Now what do I do…
“If something like this has ever happened to you, please share in the comments box or by email.”