When the two brothers and I hung out at the bowling alley we would always be checking out the girls. We would make comments to each other about their looks, their hair, their body shape. And if they made the cut, we would talk about their eyes which required us to greet them up close by saying, “Hi.”
And if they responded we would then have a longer conversation, maybe even buy them a soda.
This helped me feel more comfortable around girls. The older brother was very confident around girls. He was always disappearing for long periods of time with a girl that we would be talking to too.
There was this one girl who was always hanging out at the bowling alley. She was cute and a little younger than me. I eventually started talking to her and over time I think we became comfortable together.
One night we were talking and she asked if I lived nearby. I told her that I live across the desert in a trailer park. I also told her I didn’t mind the walk because it was peaceful, especially when the sun was getting low in the sky.
She asked if we could go to my house. I agreed. We left the bowling alley, and we began our journey through the desert. It was a beautiful evening for the walk because the sun was beginning to set. We both were wearing coats since it was chilly outside.
When we got to my trailer, I opened the sliding glass door so she could enter, and I followed her into the foyer. We took our coats off and I hung them in the entry closet.
I asked he if she would like something to drink. She asked if I had any soda. I responded with “Pepsi?” She said that would be fine.
I poured out two glasses of Pepsi, and we sat on the sofa and continued to chat while enjoying our sodas. She finished hers and put the glass on the end table next to the sofa. She then took my glass and set it next to hers.
She cuddled herself up to me and pulled me closer to her. Her face was now close to mine and getting closer. Then our lips touched. It was a nice soft kiss. I was very surprised.
And then the kissing became stronger.
I then realized that what we were doing was making out. I had heard about making out but had never experienced it. The intensity of her kissing was becoming overwhelming to me. But I kept going, following her lead, and embracing it wholeheartedly.
She was now in charge of my emotions and my excitement. I was the butter on the warm plate slowly melting. My body was getting warmer and warmer the longer we made out.
My excitement level was at the highest it has ever been. This was a new feeling.
We had been making out off and on for almost an hour when I suddenly became scared and uncomfortable. I stopped kissing her and said that my mom was going to be home at any minute. I suggested that we head back to the bowling alley.
I think this caught her off guard. She looked disappointed. I was getting the feeling that she was hoping for something more to happen.
I apologized and suggested that she could come back on another night when my mom wasn’t going to be home early.
I lied to her because I was scared.
We put our coats on and walked across the desert in the darkness of the night now towards the bowling alley. I held her hand while we walked through the desert to give her some reassurance that I did care. I just couldn’t tell her the truth.
When we got back to the bowling alley, we kissed some more before going inside to where the two brothers were. They were wondering where I had gone. I told them I would let them know later.
The next time I saw her she was with another boy and they were kissing.
In a way I was happy for her, and for me.
Around four months later when I saw her next, she came to the bowling alley with her now boyfriend from the night I saw her kissing him. I looked at her and noticed that she was bigger in her belly than I remembered. Then I realized that she was with child.
I had no words to say and left the bowling alley by myself.
While walking home through the desert I thought about how I had become startled and scared during our making out. And I thought that I could have been lured into this situation.
I knew that my lie to her that night probably did save me from a future that I could not have coped with. I had already been through so much in my young life. This would have ended me.
I think that as I was growing older and becoming more knowledgeable about life, I was also becoming more introverted around girls after this experience. And seeing her with child now really scared me.
The thought of being a father at such a young age did have an impact on my thoughts about girls.
I was now looking for ways to escape, to hide from potential bad influences in my life while searching for the good ones, including how I thought about girls.
And most of the adults around me began to fall into the bad, or dangerous, category.
Then several things occurred that would impact me in different ways.
Once again, I began to question the trustworthiness of adults. I wondered if my mom was all there on many days. She always had a drink in her hand. I began to look at alcohol differently as I matured in my teenage years.
I became more aware of the adults around me who were drinking, which made it seem normal. And smoking too. But in the sixties, smoking was okay. It was acceptable for teens to have a smoke now and then, even with their parents. And so too was drinking if you could get alcohol.
At fourteen I didn’t smoke and I didn’t drink.
And then…
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